Suramaldino75's Xanga

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 14:17:54 GMT

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
Put some M&M's on lay away.
Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
Look right into ! the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 14:16:52 GMT

Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator

1)Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2) Shake the person's hand when he/she enter the lift.

3) Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

4) Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

5) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!".

6) Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

7) Sell Girl Scout cookies.

8) On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

9) Shave.

10) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

11) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

12) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off

13) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

14) Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

15) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

16) One word: Flatulence!

17) On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

18) Do Tai Chi exercises.

19) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

20) When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"

21) Give religious tracts to each passenger.

22) Meow occasionally.

23) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

24) Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

25) Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

26) Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

27) Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

28) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

29) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

30) Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

31) Leave a box between the doors.

32) Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

33) Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

34) Start a sing-along.

35) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

36) Play the harmonica.

37) Say "Ding!" at each floor.

38) Lean against the button panel.

39) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

40) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

41) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

42) Bring a chair along.

43) Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

44) Blow spit bubbles.

45) Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

46) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

47) Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

48) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

49) Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

50) Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

51) Announce to the person stood next to you "I really need the toilet. Can I use your bag?"

52) Ask the other passengers "Wouldn't be great if this lift were to plumment to the floor, what do you think will happen?"

53) Petend to get your leg stuck in the door as it closes

53) Without letting anyone see, press the emergency stop button. Act surprised and start talking to yourself "its ok, it wasnt your fault you killed your family. It was SATAN, damm you SATAN! DAMN YOU!!!" Then press the stop button again and act as if nothing has happened.

54) Scratch yourself excessively saying "fucking headlice. They're all over me. I knew I shouldn't have played with that dog so much"

55) Set out a pinic set on the floor and suggest to the other passengers to join you in afternoon tea

56) Break wind and blame it on the person next to you

57) Pretend your are a repair man here to fix the lift. Wait untill its busy and tell everyone to get out of the lift. You get in, get your paper out and sit and relax

58) Start to talk about your sexlife. Tell them that all of your three children were concived in this very lift. And point and say "it was up against that wall"

59) Have sex with your imaginary friend

60) Say you have just won the lottery and you are on your way to collect your winnings. See how many people are listening to you

61) As the lift descends, shout "Bombs away!"

62) Offer to polish their shoes. When they say no, tell them you need the money to feed your ten starving children back home in Estonia

63) Hand out leaflets - "what to do when the lift cable breaks. The ten tips that will keep your body in one pice (although these tips will not save your life, it will make the rescue a bit cleaner, and we wont have to spend ages cleaning the blood of the walls) Hope you will live to do it again!"

64) Perform a striptease

65) Act surprised when it starts to move and say "THE GROUND IS FALLING!"

66) Fake an orgasam when the lift starts to move. Announce that it was your best ever

67) Let your mobile phone ring - dont anwser it.

68) Walk in to the lift with a clear bottle of apple juice. Start drinking and say "ah, theres nothing like your own urine to quench your first. Does anyone want some?"

69) Say "this new g-sring is really starting to hurt." Then attempt to adjust it.

70) Walk into the lift and say "this reminds me of being burried alive. Ah those were the days"

71) Suggest to the other passengers that you all should play a game of twister. Then get out the board and lie it on the floor

72)Paint the walls of the lift.

73) On entering, ask the passengers if they want to be your friend. Burst into tears if they say no.

74) Stop the lift and say "twenty years in prison for murdering the whole family, and I get stuck in a lift after being out for two hours. Just my luck!"

75) Get back to nature - go in naked

76) Pretend to be the pilot of the lift, speach into a headset "this is lift number 1, ready for decent to 1st floor. Waiting for permission to depart, over"

77) Announce in a computer like voice "this lift will self destruct in 5 4 3 2 .....oh heres my floor"

78) Serve tea and coffee

79) Take shoes off before entering, Look shocked and disgusted when the others dont

80) Act like the sergent of the lift. Order people around. Tell them to get in line.

81) Suggest to the other people that your should play musical statues. Bring a tape recorder along too

82) Teach the people french. Dont let them leave till they get it right

83) As you are coming to the end of the journey, get enmotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

84) Insist, the lift ride costs £2.50

85) Describe in detail, how you're "hung like a horse"

86) Pretend to be a flight attendant (particularly affective if you are dressed like one), instruct the passengers on what to do in an emergency

87) Yodel

88) Bring out a magnifying glass, closey inspect the other passengers skin and say "ooh, look at your pores"

89) Sing "I know a song that will get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get, get, get on your nerves" Over and over again.

90) Ask the others "Do you mind if I do my eminem impression?", then bring out a chainsaw and a mask.

91) Try breakdancing

92) Bring out a fake toy gun and shout to the person next to you "you lookin' at me?"

93) Challenge the guy stood next to you to a "thumb war".

94) Explain your ideas of world domination to the wall.

95) Force people to read to Kama Sutra while asking "do you wanna try this one?"

96) Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "it is time..."

97) Pretend to see a spider, repeatedly and violently stamp on the floor while screaming "Die you bastard, die DIIEEE!"

98) While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

99) If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

100) Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.

New! Added 27th April 2002. With thanks to John

101) Explain to the passengers that this lift looks the same as the ones on all the other floors.

102) Re-enact scenes from a movie where someone climbs out through the roof.

103) Tell people their clothes are stuck in the lift door, when the look round and see it isn't, apologise, then 5 seconds later say it again in exactly the same tone of voice.

104) Strip naked and ask if 'your' (not my) bum looks big in this dress.

105) Release cockroaches and rats or doves.

106) Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

107) Point a fire extinguisher at the door as it opens and a passenger tries to enter, ready, aim, and bend the nozzle round and cover yourself with foam.

108) Blast out some heavy metal music (Rammstein or Disturbed oughtta do the trick) sing along, while headbanging.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 14:05:56 GMT

Interesting Facts

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)


3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)


4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)


5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms?  Doesn't seem fair)


6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)


7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)


8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)


9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....?  Who cares?  How'd they find out, did they ask them?)


10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 13:31:31 GMT

Today was fun. I didn't get to see tom at all though. It Sucked but i went to Alex's house. That was cool, becasue we went in her pool. THIS WEEKEND IS GOING TO SUCK SO BADLY!!! I'm so mad, because I can't see Tom all week. I LOVE TOM!!!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 13:15:31 GMT

How to be annoying

1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others
that you "like it that way."

2. Drum on every available surface.

3. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

5. Ask 800 operators for dates.

6. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

8. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

9. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

10. Set alarms for random times.

11. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

12. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

13. Honk and wave to strangers.

14. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

15. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

16. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

17. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the
cash register.

18. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

19. only type in lowercase.

20. dont use any punctuation either.

21. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

22. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

23. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

26. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

27. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

28. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

29. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

30. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

31. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

32. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

33. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

34. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

35. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When
nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up!" and repeat.

36. Drive half a block.

37. Name your dog "Dog."

38. Ask people what gender they are.

39. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

40. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

41. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

42. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want
to fall off "in case the big one comes".

43. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

44. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz
Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

45. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

46. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

47. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

48. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

49. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone
book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

50. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

51. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

52. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.

53. Wear a LOT of cologne.

54. Ask to "interface" with someone.

55. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary
because of your "superior mental processing."

56. Sing along at the opera.

57. Mow your lawn with scissors.

58. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

59. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

60. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

61. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

62. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

63. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

64. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

65. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences
with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

66. Never make eye contact.

67. Never break eye contact.

68. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

69. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

70. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

71. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

72. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

73. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

74. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

75. Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.